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The World Cup final fails the Bechdel test miserably.

The Chancellor of Germany (finalist) is a woman, Angela Merkel.

The President of Argentina (finalist) is a woman, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner.

The President of Brazil (the host country) is a woman, Dilma Rousseff.

But the FIFA World Cup is for men only. And in many countries where soccer is king, women are relegated to the role of sexy cheerleaders, and their women’s soccer (or sports in general) programs are fringe at best.

The Versailles of Vaughan

Outside Toronto Stands this gaudy masterpiece Indulgent nonsense A tribute to too much of Time and money on one’s hands.

The Versailles of Vaughan

Outside Toronto Stands this gaudy masterpiece Indulgent nonsense A tribute to too much of Time and money on one’s hands.

Nothing to Say

Words don’t flow or pour
They sputter
They creak
They are intermittent
I can’t explain
No, really – I can’t explain
Like you’d be interested anyway
I have so much to say
In my 5’10″ frame
But neither the word smith’s elegance
To show it
Nor the academic’s intelligence
To tell it
Therefore, I have
Nothing to say.

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Crime Documentaries

I watch too many crime documentaries for my own good. I watch the shit out of Investigation Discovery. But as fascinating as the programs are, they can be infuriating to watch.

For instance, when they interview someone connected to the case, like a witness or a reporter, they are basically chopped up. When they film them on the day, you can bet that they’re giving detailed commentary. But when the episode airs, this happens:

"I - think - that - she - wanted - to - kill - him - because - she - was - a - bitch."

And sometimes they don’t need to edit their subjects that way. Often, they’ll have experts who speak in the most detached, monotonous, over - emphasized fashion. I’m looking at you, Candice DeLong from “Deadly Women”.

"She… wanted… him… dead." No shit, bitch!

I like that show “Snapped”. But why is it that they call the show “Snapped”, when many of the women didn’t? They killed or tried to kill, but to suggest that they “snapped” presumes that they lost it at one point. When you plan a murder or carry out one, you don’t snap. You don’t lose control. You ARE in control, bitch! You want someone dead!

And how many angles can these shows exploit? On Investigation Discovery alone, they have the following shows: “Southern Fried Homicide”, “Swamp Murders”, “Wives with Knives”, “Secret Lives of Stepford Wives”, and “Who the (Expletive) Did I Marry?”

I want some new, fresher shows that don’t retread old chestnuts as much. How many shows about pretty white women who murder or get murdered do we need? At least give us shows with more titles such as:

"Who the (Expletive) Did I (Expletive)?"


I have social anxiety, depression, and high blood pressure. This means that I suck so badly trying to connect with people, that I get sad and eat my weight in fattening foods to cope.

Fortunately, I’m on medications for my ailments. Bupropion for the anxiety, Fluoxetine for depression, and Metoprolol for the high blood pressure. They’ve done the job for me, and their dosage has made it virtually impossible for me to be dependent, but it feels strange popping pills. Every morning, when I take them, I feel like Whitney Houston. Or Liza Minnelli. Or Courtney Love. Or Gary fucking Busey.

America’s Got Talent

I’ve watched America’s Got Talent pretty much from the beginning. It is so full of tropes, that you couldn’t do a proper drinking game based off of them. By the first commercial break, your head is in the toilet and you’re thinking about rehab.

"Oh, God… too many ugly people with beautiful voices… too many dancing dogs… too many sob stories… and we’re only ten minutes in!"

Over the years, I’ve noticed specific types of performers get featured, from those dancing dogs to pre-teen ingenues. And they each have a sob story. It doesn’t even need to be tragic or directly involve them.

"My mother’s second cousin’s disabled, Unitarian, biracial, taxidermist, lesbian lover has a chronic yeast infection. To honor her, I will be doing a ballet en point to ‘My Neck, My Back’ by Khia."

"I have a ruptured blood vessel in both my eyes after too many rides in the spinning teacups at Disneyland. I can still see clearly despite that. To celebrate my painless recovery, I shall do a pole dance while on fire."

Victoria Beckham

Ladies and gentlemen, Victoria Beckham. Sorry; I take that back. This microphone stand is way too fat.

You can now download my novel via torrent.

You can now download my novel via torrent.

The manuscript for “Seasons Change” can now be accessed for free at The Pirate Bay and Kickass Torrents. It’s in PDF format and comes with a cover letter, which has my contact information. I included it to assure you that you are getting original material. If you do download, please seed for as long as possible, preferably at least 24 hours. Thanks.

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Does my writing suck?

I’ve been having difficulties making it in the business. The recent news of some One Direction fan bitch landing a book deal based on her damn fan fiction on Wattpad has struck me the wrong way. I wonder, why is it that I can’t get even a toenail on the door, when others can get it almost instantaneously? It horrified me. It depresses me. It makes me think that my only employable skill isn’t…

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His Master’s Hat

He sniffed his master’s hat As the cortège led the body away Hopefully it smelled of love…

His Master’s Hat

He sniffed his master’s hat As the cortège led the body away Hopefully it smelled of love…